The normal student:
Comprising the overwhelming majority of the class, normal students take notes, drink whatever caffeinated beverage they need to avoid zoning out, and may even ask the occasional question.
The leech:
The leech will approach seemingly diligent classmates for last week’s notes claiming that she was stranded in Ohio or deathly ill. In reality, she got too high at her friend’s apartment in Chandler Crossings and became way too lazy to take the 26 bus back to campus.
The smartass:
The smartass doesn’t want to hear your professor lecture. He prefers asking unrelated pretentious questions that he’ll answer before the professor can even weigh in. A favorite tactic of his is to create a new discussion just as class is about to be dismissed to force classmates to bask in his supposed academic superiority.
The prodigy:
Either unchallenged and uninterested in lecture or sufficiently versed in course material from previous classes, the prodigy never attends, but easily pulls off 4 points. The leech is inevitably drawn to him like a drunk girl to a party’s iPod, but the prodigy doesn’t even know what chapters are being covered, nor does he care.
The college athlete:
Flanked by obsessive groupies who actively joined the course for more time to fawn over him, the college athlete gives zero fucks about everyone else. His superiority complex apparently entitles him to constant distracting chatter in the middle of class about his exploits on the field or how many girls he ‘slayed’ during previous nights. Suddenly, he’s on the road to mediocrity because it’s actually hard to make the pros.
The Questionmaster:
Can’t say that I’ve never fit into this category, but the Questionmaster comes in many forms. She’ll lean toward you and ask you something about lecture in hushed tones. Either she has no idea what is going on and sadly thought that World War II would be a fun elective, or she’s trying to get your attention and make a potential group/study/fuck mate. She may be annoying or she may be a welcome distraction from the professor’s monotonous drivel, but at the end of the day, how the hell should you know everything?!
The diva:
Make-up, a polo shirt, or a meticulously crafted hairdo? Sweatpants are a no-no at the bars, but this is the classroom. Everyone is free to do as they please, but unless you have a presentation or are high-tailing it to Rama after class, who are you trying to impress?
The Clutchmaster:
The Clutchmaster is the person who saves everyone’s asses and makes a huge study guide for everyone to look at. Whether she does it by herself or requests that others contribute their own study guides for comparison, she just wants a grade and doesn’t mind helping others in the process.
The friend(s):
A year after you’ve passed the course, your old classmate(s) can look back on the antics that happened during class, propose a toast to your crazy professor, and have a laugh at the bar.